have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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