I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
