I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
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Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
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I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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