The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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