We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
