Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
