I just pynch a tree in the face
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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