She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
