Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize