If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
