you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
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I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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