4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
