Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
