did you get engaged???
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
