Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
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I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
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Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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