Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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