:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
did you just send me my own nude
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
