Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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