is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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