I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex