Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
