then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
