I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
