I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
