bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
