the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
