grandma shit on top of the toilet
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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