I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
