I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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