I want to walk on stilts...naked
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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