I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
