life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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