Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
He literally asked permission to hit on me
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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