What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
