I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
