bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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