The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
i think im in europe. pls send help
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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