I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
