I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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