My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
