pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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