I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
