She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
So vagazzling was a success
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
