can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
