Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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