honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
