she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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