Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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