I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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