dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
