we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
