You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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